Fish Trouble

I can't wait until Jordan's old enough to change the water in the goldfish bowl himself. After having accidentally killed one of our goldfish last year in a highly dramatic fish bowl cleaning related incident, I'm even more leery about the whole thing than I already was. Most people who know me realize that while I may enjoy watching fish swim around, I'm not interested in having any direct personal contact with them. Unfortunately, our newest acquisition, Black Eyed (bought to replace the long lived and sadly mourned Fidgety Fish, and named after both the Black Eyed Peas and his buggy black eyes) doesn't seem to understand this.

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Here it is, 3:42 AM and I'm awake. Again. Still. Not sure how long I've been awake. I try not to look at the clock, but eventually I give in. I'm guessing 2, 3 hours. Tonight I woke up with a jerk from some dream. Don't remember much about it except that it made me nervous. Anxious when I was asleep, now I'm too anxious to drift back. Tried to empty my mind, relax my body, think about something else. My eyes kept popping open, and I couldn't slow my breathing. So here I am. 

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Young Love Update

Jordan's friend Mya came over after school yesterday. Jordan was so excited all weekend about it. Yesterday morning he came down for breakfast wearing a WI Badger sweatshirt. He informed me that he wore that shirt to Mya's when he went there to play, and she loves Bucky Badger and she chased him around all day, so he thought she would chase him around all day that day too. Then he said, "I'm going to stand by Mya in line, and I'm going to sit by Mya on the bus. That's my plan for the day." After breakfast he made me go upstairs with him to see how perfectly he'd made his bed and laid out his pajamas (which he never does) so that his room would be nice when Mya came over. There was a lot of talking and giggling and running around yesterday afternoon. When they finally sat down to color, I overheard Jordan telling Mya that God says you have to love everyone, and that means that he has to love her too. 

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No Fear

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:15-16 The other night I was having a panic attack. It was one of those moments when I realize clearly how sidetracked I have become by the insignificant details of life, and my fear for the future (my own and that of my loved ones) becomes overwhelming. I was sitting in the bathroom crying, hyperventilating and praying when I found these words.

And so I've determined to let go of fear. Fear that if I'm myself people won't like me. Fear that if I don't maintain control of everything and everyone around me life will fall apart. Fear that I'm making the wrong decisions every step of the way. Fear of so many other things. I want to change the way I live my life. I want to do what I know is right and trust God to take care of the rest.