People keep asking me how I'm doing. "Fine, OK, alright, good, hanging in there," I say. And I am all of those things. What I don't say is, "I feel guilty." How can I live my life as though everything is normal when Miriam and Eric have had someone so precious torn from their life? How can I ask my kids to be quiet so I can read (a Harry Potter book for the 5th or so time) instead of making the most of every minute I'm blessed to have them here with me? How can I want to laugh when I hear Sasha insisting that Jordan and/or "Tiny Baby" have to pretend to be sick and die and Jordan protesting that he doesn't want to play that when I was, am, and will continue to be devastated by the death of my tiny niece and know that they miss her too?
I remind myself that I didn't see Hailey daily, weekly, or even every month and so my daily life has never revolved around her and won't now. I know I have a family to care for and work to do and can't function if I continue as I was: crying at the drop of a hat, with a headache that wouldn't quit, and with a barrage of thoughts, images and feelings that wouldn't let me sleep at night. I know that the faith I have that God has taken Hailey to her heavenly home is what enables me to cope. And I know that I won't be "fine" every minute of every day.
So many things bring Hailey to mind. I know that even if I try to push it all away, I'll continue to break down from time to time. I like Sasha's way of handling things. When Hailey was sick we were praying for her every night at bedtime. Being as much a creature of habit as all little ones, each night Sasha asks to say a prayer for Hailey. And so every night we thank God for bringing Hailey to be with him in heaven where she will always be happy. And Sasha goes to bed happy too.