Every night when we say our night time prayers, we end with "And please bless Daddy and Mommy and Karlye and Jordan and Sasha and all our family and friends." Since we've gotten a dog, Sasha has insisted on adding Charlie to that list. Lately she's gotten very attached to Polie, the stuffed polar bear we bought her when I was pregnant with her. For the last couple of weeks, she's also insisted on adding Polie to the line up. Tonight, she asked God to help Polie's cold get better. He doesn't have a cold, as far as I know. I do, but I guess that doesn't rate with Miss Sasha. Half an hour later, I was saying night time prayers with Jordan. We got to "and all our family and friends" and Sasha yelled from her room, "AND POLIE!!!"
Although Jordan loves winter and winter sports, he's been ready for spring for quite a while now. Really, I think he's ready for summer. He actually cried one of the last times that it snowed. Also, yesterday was the first sunny day we've had in a while. At breakfast time he told me that he'd prayed to God while he was taking a shower the night before and asked him to make it sunny the next day. He said he'd given God a whole list of reasons to make it sunny. One of the reasons was, "because I wouldn't have eaten the fruit in the Garden." Such confidence!
People keep asking me how I'm doing. "Fine, OK, alright, good, hanging in there," I say. And I am all of those things. What I don't say is, "I feel guilty." How can I live my life as though everything is normal when Miriam and Eric have had someone so precious torn from their life? How can I ask my kids to be quiet so I can read (a Harry Potter book for the 5th or so time) instead of making the most of every minute I'm blessed to have them here with me? How can I want to laugh when I hear Sasha insisting that Jordan and/or "Tiny Baby" have to pretend to be sick and die and Jordan protesting that he doesn't want to play that when I was, am, and will continue to be devastated by the death of my tiny niece and know that they miss her too?Read More
Dear Hailey, I will never forget the day your mother told me she was pregnant with you. When she asked me to take a walk with her I knew what she was going to say. I felt joy that our family was going to be blessed with another baby, but I knew that your mom and dad would have a hard road ahead of them. I never could have imagined just how hard it would be.Read More
From last Monday when I saw how ill my 18-month-old niece Hailey was, to Thursday when she was diagnosed with leukemia, to tonight when we received the news that the cancer hasn't spread to her spinal fluid, I've gone through a wide range of emotions. Some of them were expected - gut-wrenching fear, helplessness, grief, thankfulness after today's news. Others were unexpected.Read More
Jordan's friend Mya came over after school yesterday. Jordan was so excited all weekend about it. Yesterday morning he came down for breakfast wearing a WI Badger sweatshirt. He informed me that he wore that shirt to Mya's when he went there to play, and she loves Bucky Badger and she chased him around all day, so he thought she would chase him around all day that day too. Then he said, "I'm going to stand by Mya in line, and I'm going to sit by Mya on the bus. That's my plan for the day." After breakfast he made me go upstairs with him to see how perfectly he'd made his bed and laid out his pajamas (which he never does) so that his room would be nice when Mya came over. There was a lot of talking and giggling and running around yesterday afternoon. When they finally sat down to color, I overheard Jordan telling Mya that God says you have to love everyone, and that means that he has to love her too.Read More
"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children." Romans 8:15-16 The other night I was having a panic attack. It was one of those moments when I realize clearly how sidetracked I have become by the insignificant details of life, and my fear for the future (my own and that of my loved ones) becomes overwhelming. I was sitting in the bathroom crying, hyperventilating and praying when I found these words.
And so I've determined to let go of fear. Fear that if I'm myself people won't like me. Fear that if I don't maintain control of everything and everyone around me life will fall apart. Fear that I'm making the wrong decisions every step of the way. Fear of so many other things. I want to change the way I live my life. I want to do what I know is right and trust God to take care of the rest.